I recently heard Jennifer from Earth Ferry Holistics talk about the origins of the gaelic fire festival, Beltane. The druids used to light two fires through which they’d send their cattle, the smoke cleansing them from the parasites they’d accumulated from being cooped up in the barn all winter.
This got me thinking:
What needs cleansing off my soul before I can reemerge?
This year’s Beltane also falls onto a full moon in Scorpio. For me this feels especially potent as Scorpio shines its light on what needs to die, and as a fixed sign, it doesn’t make that easy.
What accumulated while I was in hibernation, in my cozy, comfortable home, was a growing sense of restlessness and irritation with myself for always saying “yes” even when I want to say “no”. Psychotherapist, Terri Cole, calls this high functioning co-dependency. You can imagine that after kicking smoking, alcohol and overwork, I was more than mildly irritated that there was yet another layer of dependency coming to the surface. People pleasing, which is another phrase for it, was a survival strategy I learned very early in my life. I can assess the needs of those around me in a blink and shape shift into exactly who and what they need from me. I did that in order to fit in, remain unnoticed and most of all, be liked. I became the “nice” girl.
It’s not that I haven’t explored this before, trust me, it has come up at least a few times in my sessions with my coach. However, I’ve noticed over the last year particularly, that my capacity for being “nice” has diminished and it was costing me precious sleep, a locked jaw and burning neck pain. When I arrived at my last session with Kerry exhausted and in so much pain only a double dose of painkillers could ease, we unpacked this and within minutes, my head felt lighter, the right side of my body loosened and I could see straight again. This chameleon behavior was costing me my health and well being and as I move through the fire of Beltane on May 1, I release this pattern. And that’s exactly what Beltane and a full moon in Scorpio provoke.
The symbology of two fires matters here. The cattle passed between them to come out on the other side ready for another season. We don’t have to be consumed by the fire or burn things down in order to start fresh. In that session with Kerry, I noticed how I’m no longer swallowed up by the emotions of the past. I can meet myself now even in the darkness. Tears still fall and my heart aches. I will miss the ease of knowing how to do the chameleon and get that instant hit of dopamine that comes with “I like you”. I’ll miss the certainty it brought. I knew how to do it smoothly and with the same accuracy as I brush my teeth. And, I know after the initial growing pains, I will be rewarded with “I love you” that doesn’t need to come from anyone else but my own whisper in the mirror. This is what midlife asks. The survival strategies that got you here stop working. Your body stops tolerating what your soul has outgrown. This is the threshold. Not the loss. The becoming.
You’re standing between two fires right now too, whether you know it or not. What’s ready to be walked through?
This year marks five years sober. It feels like the right time to walk somewhere that asks nothing of me but presence. Sixteen years ago I did something similar. In my first book, I share how I left my secure corporate gig to pursue a nine-month solo backpacking trip through Europe and very little certainty about what I’d find or who would be there when I returned. I was searching then.
Sixteen years later, I find myself at this threshold again, only this time, I’m not searching for anything. This May, I’ll be walking the Camino, which means “the way”. I’m not walking away from anything nor am I walking toward something. I’m walking with who I am today. A woman who is becoming more comfortable with being in the dark, and trusting that I’ll be ok no matter what happens so that I can stay present to who I’m with right now.
This is what I know after years of this work. You don’t find yourself. You finally walk with yourself.
If something in you is ready to walk through the fire, I have two spots open this season. You know where to find me.